Covenants

This week's topic took a toll on me, more than any other week. We talked about divorce and the potential for blending families. Because of the sad nature of this topic it was difficult for many of us to stay positive. However, I learned something beautiful about the covenants we make in the temple, which I'd like to focus on.

First, a covenant is like a contract (a two-way promise), but it's a set of terms made by a superior party (that could be the government, God, etc.). These terms cannot be negotiated, changed, or altered. Both parties must rise up and meet the requirements of this covenant in order for it to be valid.

Second, in the sealing ordinance, the woman is asked if she will give herself unto her husband and if she will receive him. The husband is only asked if he will receive her. This, I believe, relates to the lot women were given in this world. It takes a lot more for a woman to give of herself in marriage and family life than perhaps it takes for a man. It's a clarifying question that God put in there to remind us of what we are really committing to.

Children

Children! Yay! Scary...

The most important thing I took away from class this week was, "As parents, we need to focus on the needs of our children, not changing their behaviors." 

Many parents focus on strictness instead of warmth and consistency in parenting. This is partially because strictness is the easiest and most straightforward thing we can control. However, it's been proven that when parents focus on warmth and consistency, children are more connected and well-behaved because they feel respected.

We also talked about natural consequences and how if parents need to enforce consequences, they should be logical. I.E. follow natural consequences that adults deal with on a smaller, more applicable scale. 

Teaching is not about compliance. If all we want from our kids is to get them to "shut up", the parenting style is duct tape. If you want children that respect you and love you, teach respect and love to them, through your actions.

Let's STICK together yeah yeah yeah

Women in the workplace is a touchy subject for me because I am so adamantly pro-stay-at-home-mothers. So talking about his topic in class was difficult because there wasn't a lot of discussion about involving God in the decision for the mother of a family to work. 

All cases are different and should be treated with care and compassion. However, in my own future family life I'd love to focus on the family as one entity, instead of individual persons. With the industrial revolution, men were pulled away from their divine roles in their home. The law of consecration was very prevalent before the revolution, with the entire family working their hardest together, to reach the same end-goal. The family was able to work and grow together. 

I have a hard time with anything that pulls a family apart. Be that school, work, travel, etc. In my family I hope to be able to move closer towards the divine nature of the entire family working together. 

Chiasmus

"Where no council is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety," (Proverbs 11:14).
Let's talk about the true order of council. Whoot!

Good, compassionate communication = expression of pain - blame
Defensiveness = expression of pain + blame

All councils (like the GA meeting in the temple for their councils) should be done in a sacred, set-apart place where members can be closest to the Lord. It should be without distractions with the ability to access the spirit.

The chiasmus:
a. Express love and appreciation
b. Open with prayer
c. Discuss to censuses (surprisingly open), each person needs to be settled, the Lord's will.
b. Close with a prayer
a. Refreshments

Opening all councils with expressions of love will allow for the Spirit to be invited to the council. It helps all members be "surprisingly open" by bearing their souls and allowing their spirit to communicate with one another. All members should be trying to come to the conclusion of what the Lord would have them do, instead of trying to be right. Our Heavenly Father wants to inspire us perhaps much more than we want to be inspired. We need to have the courage to allow Father to correct us.

Stress vs. Crisis

Stress' influences are short term, crisis' influence is long-term. That would be wrapping up this week's discussion very succinctly. 

Stress is a natural and necessary part of any relationship. Without it, the metaphorical "bones" of the relationship wouldn't be strong enough to hold it up. Just like our bones need some sort of stress put on them to be able to carry us places, our relationships need stress to hold the relationship together. Stress doesn't mean that the relationship is bad or negative, as long as it's dealt with healthily.

Once both partners have prepared themselves to cope under pressure, when crisis' happen, there won't be as much stress associated. It's all in the preparation. If a couple isn't properly prepped for marriage, they will bend an snap under duress. A couple should do everything in their power to make sure their "bones" or the things holding the relationship up, are strong and ready to cope.

An example of that is a swimming pool. The little rim around the side of the pool allows for the water to stay in (establishing boundaries), it is made up of strong material (a vitrus material that's typically been fired to over 1,000 degrees), and it's strong enough to stand up against the water slapping up against it day after day. Because it's been properly prepped, it prevents future crisis' from causing stress on the foundation. It also allows for stressors to remain stressors and not move to crises. 

Divine Intimacy

This week we've been talking about sexual intimacy. I was surprised how sacred we were able to keep things this week and focused on the divine we were. I give full credit to Brother Williams for that. Some things that meant the most to me this week were:

Sex isn't the most important aspect of marriage, but it’s a good barometer of how the rest of the relationship is going. Most marriages end because of financial problems or sexual relationship issues. By recognizing this, couples can approach this with great care. Most of marital intimacy actually occurs in the brain. Yes, the physical aspect is there, obviously, but the healthiest sexual relationships are those where both partners are unselfish and consciously focused on their spouse. 

Something that I discovered for myself this week was the definition of lust. Lust =  the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection. That's why in the scriptures we're told not to have lust for another person ("he lusted after her"). There are no feelings of love or affection. However, when sex is paired with feelings of love and affection within the bonds of marriage, it becomes sacred and God-like. 

It requires a lot of trust to give your body and heart to someone which is why the decision to be married is one of the most sacred decisions we make. Something Brother Williams talked about was approaching a couple's physical relationship with thought and carefulness. It's something that the couple should do together, very carefully while communicating. The couple should be discussing what their expectations are and what they're comfortable with. 

Along with this, the couple should carefully and cautiously consider what kind (if any) of contraceptives that will be used, keeping in mind that our sole purpose on this earth is to bring children into this world. We should exercise great caution regarding decisions including sexuality and birth control (including creating life). That decision should be made between the husband, the wife, and God. 

I am so grateful for the blessing that physical intimacy is. It is truly God-given and I wish I would have realized that sooner. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to be able to create life with my future husband, and become more like my Heavenly Mother. God is good and He helps us do good. 

Marriage Transitions

Let's talk about transitioning into marriage.

Marriage is wonderful. It's an incredible blessing that only brings up closer to our Heavenly Father. There are a lot of factors that can contribute to early marriage stress. Some of the things we talked about in class were:

First Month: Tasks, Challenges, and Opportunities.

• Always being together. Privacy? A couple will need to re-adjust to these boundaries, talk about alone time, and be able to accommodate each other's needs.
• Combining schedules. 
• Sharing a bed.
• Saying what you feel NOW. When couples let things fester and build up, there can be blow ups and a general anxiety about the relationship. 
• Sharing everything.
• Rituals. Scripture study, prayer, church, meals, etc. Couples' rituals will need to be able to be combined and work together.
• Entertainment
• Patterns
• Finances and Savings
• Talk about Children
• Sexual intimacy. Transitioning into having sex as a couple, and being able to work on the sexual relationship together. Being open, honest, and truthful about expectations and experiences.
• Chores around the house.

The first month in particular is very hard on any couple. But, if the couple is willing to work together and be accommodating to each other the first month will run as smooth as possible.

It's All Greek to Me

There a four words for love in Greek:

Storge - Familial, the love a parent has for their child
Philia - Friendship
Eros - Intimate, sexual, romantic
Agape - Charity


This made me think about all of the different personality tests out there that try to figure out the human population. They sell you their perfect formula for successful relationships, and expect everything to be fixed. However, if we go back to the Greeks, we can see a very simple understanding of the different kinds of love that must be present in a healthy spousal relationship. There's no course fee, no personality test, just four types of love that should be present in a relationship.
Agape, the charitable love, is necessary in romantic relationships because both parties need to be serving one another. Without charity, the relationship will be unfair for one, or both of the persons. If both is the case, both will get tired of not having their needs met and become frustrated (at which point Charity would be the most pertinent solution, but it often is not). Eros, the passionate love, is incredibly valuable in a marriage. The sexual relationship that spouses have with each other is something beautiful and healthy. Without sex and other forms of intimacy, the marriage wouldn't be fulfilling. Sex is a natural and God-given gift to his children to become more like Him, and without it we would not be fulfilling our divine purpose. Philia, or the friendship love is important if you're going to live with someone for the rest of eternity. Not only must you love your spouse, you must like them. I know I want to marry my best friend because there wouldn't any other person that I'd like to go through life's trials with than my best friend. Finally, Storge, the familial love happens when a husband and wife are providing for each other's needs much like a parent provides for a child. This includes monetary provisions, emotional stability, and advice. When the need for all of these kinds of love are met, the relationship is able to flourish and become something it couldn't have become on it's own.

Gender Roles

Gayness isn't an identity just like a pornography addict's addiction isn't their identity.

This is a very sensitive topic and I want to be careful about what I say because I understand that there is a lot of confusion and hurt following this topic. I love this video and I think it explains what I'd like to talk about today: Understanding Same-Gender Attraction.

I don't want to go into what makes people more attracted to one gender or another, because I don't think I'm qualified to defend my position in the way I need to on this platform, but I do want to talk about conversion therapy. In the video many men talk about how they identified as gay before, but realized that they weren't truly happy. Many of them wanted a traditional family because they knew it would make them happy, but they didn't know how. They found conversion therapy. It is not my goal to debate about the topic, but just to spark the thought that; if someone has same-gender attraction but doesn't want it, shouldn't there be therapy to help them come to terms with those thoughts?

Many groups are vehemently against this therapy because if it remains available it would support the theory that people aren't born gay, which is the slogan of many LGBT groups (Born this Way). Though there is so evidence that people are born with those tendencies (it is proven that people can be more susceptible to those feelings because of their social upbringing), many groups refuse to look at the data. I would suggest that if someone wants to be follow those same-gender attractions and there are support groups that encourage that, there should be groups for men and women who don't want to follow those attractions.

Members Coming to Us.

This topic really touched me in class this week, and I apologize if I don't have a great deal of data to back me up here, because it's not actually facts.

I read "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration"
by Martica L. Bacallao and Paul R. Smokowski and I didn't quite understand the significance of the study other than understanding the sad story of a Mexican family trying to find a better life. However, in class Brother Williams did a role-playing exercise to help us better understand what actually happened to this family.

What touched me the most was Brother Williams' testimony. He mentioned that he had a testimony that many immigrants don't know exactly why they should be moving to The United States, but that he believed the Spirit was guiding them there to have better access to the gospel. When he said this, I broke down because of the love I could feel from my Heavenly Father and the love He has for every single child of His. He's prompting these families to endure these almost-impossible hardships in order to bring them the greatest happiness (eternal life).

My takeaway from the lesson is this: I need to be more charitable and considerate toward my fellow men. People are on their eternal path of progression home and I need to be aware of that and do everything I can to bring them there. I think we can all take a moment when we're dealing with this immigration issue, and examine it from a doctrinal standpoint. (1) have we prayed about it? and (2) we can bring the gospel to more people if they're in the United States. These are my thoughts and I think this is a worthwhile idea to ponder.

Theories

Theory: an attempt to explain phenomena

Exchange Theory is an interesting concept to me. I think I very often fall into this way of thinking without necessarily meaning to. An over-simplified explanation of this theory is:

the rewards of the relationship - the cost of the the relationship = the value of the relationship

This is fascinating to me. It puts a very creative, emotional relationship and limits it to an analytical definition. It deals almost completely with a type of cost-benefit analysis. Simplifying relationships to "what can I gain from this" completely defeats the purpose of Christlike love in relationships. It becomes selfish, which is the opposite of charity (the pure love of Christ). Though we need to keep ourselves safe and protected in relationships, by determining the worth of the relationship by what we get out of it limits our partner to an object we want something out of instead of treating them like a human being.

This week I want to focus more on how I deal with people around me. As I said, I often think of people in terms of how they can benefit me, as a survival tactic, and I need to focus on forming more healthy relationships instead of cost-benefit relationships.

Good For You

"Not everything is good for us"

There's a video produced by the Family Policy Institute of Washington (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfO1veFs6Ho) that explores the transgender bathroom situation in an interesting way. A 5'9" white male asks students at Washington University if they would accept him if he believed that he was a 6'4" Chinese woman. After asking them about the transgender bathroom (and all of them responding positively to the new integration) he brought up his own self-identification. He even went so far as to express that he felt like he was a first grader. Many of the students didn't think it was their "place" to tell his that he was wrong or misguided, many of them merely said, "Good for you."

I would like to reiterate that not everything is good for us. Why is it that, "The only sin now is pointing out sin." I think that speaks volumes to what we are living through today. Of course we should not be rude, critical, or malicious in our judgments of those around us, but when people are making choices that will effect their eternal happiness, it is okay to gently, and with the love of Christ, show them data that proves that might not be the best way to live. That's what I'm attempting to do with this blog, but also with my day-to-day conversations with many of my friends and family.

Intro Post

Hello! I'm Alayna Betts and I am a senior at BYU-I this semester. I'm a Marriage and Family Studies minor and have fallen in love with the study of the family. I know that the family is central to our Heavenly Father's plan for us, and spending my time learning more about the nature of God's plan for me is a dream come true. I would love to devote my life to proving the importance of the "traditional family" in a secular way, with research to back up my personal beliefs. I hope to summarize things I've learned in class on this blog in order to better understand them myself, as well as to share something new to those that are reading this! :)